CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Elite astrologer and my personal Beyonce, Susan Miller, claims that Britney Spears' "Piece of Me" will be your theme song for the month. Is she unaware of BritBrit's new single "Work Bitch?" Is it because she is old? Is it because "Work Bitch" is a gag-triggering theft of gay-culture colloquialisms repackaged for an aging celebrity descending into obscurity in Vegas, placed over the dumbest most based beat I have personally ever heard, dear reader? Does Susan Miller consider "Piece of Me" to be the apex of La Canon De BritBrit, and therefore anything post-Blackout is rendered irrelevant, as if it is not a consistent representation of the same singer? How do you feel about "Work Bitch" and its flagrant message of capitalism, if you hear one? How much does one have to work-bitch for a Bugatti? Cause I woke up in a new one and am kinda wondering about the financial ramifications? Taxes, etc.? So many questions. Answer them at pandora christ rules at gmail dot com.
Suggested Resolutions: Learn French enough to be a real asshole about it to people who don't speak French. Spend one week in France and then convince yourself you have the license to refer to it as "par-EE" for the rest of your life. Then never talk to me again.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - This month is all about breaking habits for many people, especially you, Aquarius - not so much in the Linkin Park way but as in the smoking cigs/drinking booze/eating hydrogenated oils way. Use this time to improve yourself! And if you're already pretty healthy and stuff, maybe it's time to shake up your life and routines. Quit that 9-5, burn your Social Security card, and live off the grid in Wyoming or somewhere. You want to be more than just an American drone, right? Right?
Suggested Resolutions: Become a Young Republican and infiltrate the highest ranks of your regional chapter, then at the next Young Republican's New Years' Eve Party rip off your three-piece to reveal a super-suit with - speaking of drones - Barack Obama's face on it and then be like "PUT THAT IN YOUR PRIVATIZED INSURANCE CLAIM AND PAY 53% MORE TO YOUR PROVIDER FOR SMOKING IT" and like "TRICKLE DOWN ON THIS" and like "NO H8" and like "YES WE CAN AND WE WOULD BUT WE CAN'T RIGHT NOW DUE TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES" and then when someone asks you about Afghanistan be like *shrug* *hair flip* *idk my bff jill*
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - I'm seeing some money issues in your chart. You're all like "One more round!" and your wallet is like "Nooooo pleeeeassseeeeeee how are you going to eeeeeeat stopppppppp" and you're all "Whole Foods dumpster, huhdoiyy!" And I know that's like punk rock or something but really? It's getting to the point where you're sitting around eating a week-old spinach and feta pie you found under six pounds of expired artisan muenster, stealing your neighbor's dish signal and thinking "Well all these TV people just find a drug to sell and then make a lot of money doing it! I'll just pick a drug, but not something done-to-death, so meth and weed is out of the question, maybe i'll sell ephedrine to baseball players?" Just so you know, fvcking with sports is almost guaranteed to get you a scathing interview on Oprah's Next Chapter, so save up those cries and when the trick starts getting all in your business just sob big, fat, salty tears you once thought only a Lohan could produce. Works like 65% of the time, though not at all with police, pro tip.
Suggested Resolutions: Do this: whether running mac or windows, you may now turn to your computer's menu and open iTunes. write the following into the search bar: "Gogol Bordello." Now highlight what appears in the program (shift + down will help speed up the process) and press the "delete" key. Find your recycle bin, then hit "empty." Feels better, right?
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - Get all your tonsil hockey outta the way on January 28th and 29th. Really, really make out with that sucker, cause the rest of the year for you is looking like a Nicholas Cage drama with all the strugs and zero action (think the exposition section of "Matchstick Men"). Do. You see. What I. Did. There. sux 2b uuuu lol bye
Suggested Resolutions: Go back to school. Yeesh, sorry about that one. Personally, I would rather watch twelve hours of Russell Brand talking about Russell Brand while using articles about Russell Brand as examples of the media's treatment of Russell Brand that no one cares about except Russell Brand. Wouldn't it be great if hot people shut their mouths more, e.g. Russell Brand?
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - Venus - your other ruler besides Beyonce #ALLHAIL - goes retrograde until February, which means that its orbit slows, making it appear to move backwards in the sky. When this happens, Venus is all "I've been working too goddamn hard for too many millennia for this nonsizzle" and takes a leave of absence like *deuces.* This is not a good time to improve your face or general style. It is, however, a good time to update your social media profile, cause that's something the planets give a shit about apparently????????
Suggested Resolutions: 300dpi for most black-and-grey or CMYK print images.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - It starts like any other day, really. You pour yourself and your many furs from the taxi cab outside Bergdorf's, ready to throw around some excess business allowance on that silver AmEx before your boss reviews your statements and is like "Maybe you don't need that much in the next fiscal quarter." Ah, the joy and suffering that comes with expense accounts, but that's all part of the industry *chuckles around a big ole cigar* *cuban, what else* *ah hah hah free trade!* You find a pair of Blahniks because that is a shoe designer I learned about from Sex and the City, and maybe you find a new mink, and maybe some Curious by Britney Spears at the fragrance counter, and the fashion technology grad student behind the register is like "600 dollars, please," knowing she's about to score that commISH, and she swipes your card like 9 times before you realize, oh baby, your card's declined. Surprise! Your identity has been stolen! Now you must walk back to the shoe department, and then back to the fur department, and then back to the fragrance counter, replacing your items in shame as the eyes of the wealthy, icy and condemning, follow your every step. But you know what the bright side is? I watched a documentary on identity theft, and what happens is usually some Russian or English or Irish dude is sitting behind a computer using your credit card number to ship food to poor single mothers who are struggling ~2 provide~. That actually happens. Now look at those Blahniks and reassess your struggle, ya one-percenter! FUR IS MURDER *DOUSES YOU IN RED PAINT AND YOU RUN RED NOW, RED AS THE BLOOD OF RABBITS, RED AS COQUELICOT, RED AS THE FINGERS OF OUR MASTER SATAN, etc*
Suggested Resolutions: Screenshot every one of your Facebook statuses for every day of the year, then give each one it's own page in Adobe inDesign, then create a book file and import all that into the book file, then sent the book file to a small, reliable print shop, and when you get the book in the mail go from page to page and really think hard: is this who I want to be?
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - You're in love and while that's disgusting, this year is gonna bring a lot of romantic surprises! It's like you're forever living in a harlequin world where you're the muscular, frightening-yet-gentle, time-traveling Scottish highlander trapped in the current day by a centuries-old curse, and your paramour/boo is the modern-day executive assistant who rescues you in the train station from not paying your fare cause highlanders are tough but they are so stupid about technology lol! But it gets better for you cuz the centuries holding u apart are not enuf 2 kill ur affection and you get to go back to your highland days of raw meat and running down hills painted blue, but this time with your 21st century girl poppin out historical babies at ur side. awwwwwwwww
#525600minutes #howdoyoumeasure #measureayear #howabout #love #measureinlove
Suggested Resolutions: Play the Powerball. Your lucky numbers: 69 69 69 69 69 69.
LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Get ready, cause a major surprise is coming your way on January 30th. Elite astrologer and future-me Susan Miller says you may wake up to eat a grapefruit half and find there's a diamond in it. She literally went through all of her viable options for what constitutes an astrological surprise, and the old diamond-in-the-grapefruit-trick was the top choice? Who is the grower that produces a diamond inside a grapefruit? Is the diamond ethically sourced for such purposes? Unless you bought the grapefruit and it was sans diamond, ate half and it was still sans diamond, and then the next morning there was a diamond … ? Which begs the question: who the hell is coming into your house to exercise such tomfoolery? Are you Nancy Drew? I say change the locks, unless you live in Skyrim, in which case my boyfriend - he's an Archmage - could literally undo that shit in three seconds, sry not sry.
Suggested Resolutions: Switch up your Magic deck. New year, new artifacts! I'm running a black/blue son, wutchugot?!?!?!?!
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - The stars tell me you shall find love, my beautiful sweet adorable Virgo, even though everywhere recently has felt to you like a hopeless place …………………….. hold on I am high-fiving myself for that one *shwing.* Okay. Here's the deal, doe eyes. You're like that chick Alexis (? Is that her name idk ?) from E!'s "Pretty Wild." One moment you are snoring on the couch while your mom homeschools you on all topics related to The Secret, thinking you may never again feel excitement in your life, and the next moment you're standing in the dark of Orlando Bloom's upstairs closet running his glistening diamonds through your nubile, manicured fingers with the Lana Del Rey claw tips you saw on tumblr, and it feels like love, it does, like love. But while Alexis went to Da Clink for swiping Orly's pirate gold or w/e, you will simply be sipping a Cafe Americano in the neighborhood java joint when the steam parts and through it, you can see an uberbabe looking right at you. Good thing stealing hearts is just a misdemeanor, says the second line of an excessive Fall Out Boy title. WTF is with that anyway? Brevity is the soul of everything, you soulless emo fvcks.
Suggested Resolutions: Listen to the new Fall Out Boy song every day. It's called "The Only Promise I'll Make Is a Promising Swing at Your Face, Ashlee Simpson, I Did For You What You Couldn't Do For Yourself, Not on SNL, Not Later at The Orange Bowl, and You Left Me, You Left Me for Nothing, I Made You, I am Pete Wentz, Here is a Dick Pic, I Named My Son After a New York City Borough Because Words."
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - Having problems with conception? Here are ten easy steps!
1. Look at children
3. Look at children dressed in Anne Geddes floral regalia, e.g., children as sunflowers, children as potatoes, children as ladybugs
5. Think about all the horrible, messed-up shit you did to your parents
6. Enjoy your life free of financial responsibilities that don't involve your immediate needs
7. Look up statistics on human overpopulation
8. Download audio of a baby crying and loop it for six hours at varying volumes while you try to get some sleep for the first time in days lol not happening lol
9. Admire your spry, youthful body and its creamy nakedness in a full-length mirror
10. Get a puppy
11. If none of this works, ask a witch to grow rampion in her garden for six full moon cycles and clip them at the height of summer, just as June scrolls into July, and if she changes her mind the night before she's supposed to give it to you - as witches often do, tricky twats - climb over the fence yrself and get it and then stew it for six days and feed it to yr barren wife/wife-identifying life partner. The only thing with this solution is usually witches will set up this situation knowing they'll catch you stealing and that you'll have to give over the baby when it pops out all slippery-like. So, yeah, i think you should just get a puppy.
Suggested Resolutions: Move the treasure. They're onto you.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - You've never been very tolerant of other people's ignorance, especially when they have more material goods than you do, and you're all like hey I'll give you three ore for one wool and they're like nah bro nah, sitting by the docks with their 3:1 sheep ratio, fvcking robber barons! This month, you're going to be in some positions, mainly around white people, that will probs try your patience. For instance, the other day I had to listen to four bourgeois moms in coordinating J. Crew have a conversation rife with falsified enthusiasm and humblebrags about their childrens' swim meets, and you know what it sounded like? It sounded like the terrorists winning. But look here, fellow Scorpio: I know you and I are LIKE SO OVER white privilege and it makes you angry sometimes, watching wealthy, pigment-less people trade stories about their Facebook friends over the high-priced spoils of their husbands' business accounts, but do not cause them bodily harm, cause those are the people who will most likely be buying your "art" in thirty years after your martyred suicide and their partially-developed blindness. And what is art, anyway, but Paul Simon's ex-bff-and-frenemy? (That one's for the kids *smarmy wink* *canned applause* *screaming teens*)
Suggested Resolutions: Start an investment portfolio hahahahahahahahaha just kidding eat more ice cream while watching My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding all stoney-eyed, which is my resolution, personally.
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - The new moon on January 1st seems to be speaking to you, so maybe you should lay off the acid? Look, we all care about you, and we're not trying to parent you or anything, dude, but i'm just saying you could google a before-and-after-Pink-Floyd-picture of Syd Barrett and really assess the path you're going down, ya feel me? And don't leave me here with Roger Waters he's so crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!, which is what David Gilmour would have said to Syd Barrett if 'Ol Syddy weren't doin so mucha that brain candy that's what's popular with the youths!
Suggested Resolutions: I AM SATAN LISTEN TO JUSTIN BIEBER I AM SATAN YOUR MASTER SATAN SWEET SATAN IF I WAS YOUR SATAN I WOULD NEVER LET YOU GO, I COULD TAKE YOU PLACES YOU AIN'T NEVER BEEN BEFORE, LIKE HELL.