New York City readers of The Media: on November 5th, I want you to get out and vote. Not for Christine "Bloomberg Two: Electric Boogaloo" Quinn or Joe "I Quit the MTA after Sandy Because My Name Was In the Paper" Llota or whichever tightwad wins these stupid major party primaries. They don't want to change New York – they want to maintain the city's propulsion into the Chipotle and Chase Bank capital of the world. Instead, I think you should vote for me.
My name is Ari Spool, and I am running for mayor of New York City.
Here's the facts about me, if you must: I'm twenty-eight years old. I'm five feet tall. I live in Ridgewood, Queens. So far in my life I've been a writer, a cook, a babysitter, an event producer, a non-profit board member, an editor, a dumpster-diver, a tour manager, a database architect, a thrift store wage-slave, an archivist's assistant, and a lesbian bar bouncer. I have no formal history in politics, unless you count half-in-the-bag party rants and four consecutive failed bids for high-school class president, but I know I'm prepared to be your mayor.
Aren’t you tired of having the richest man in New York, a man who’s boner for power would poke the moon in her dusty eye, tell you what to do? Perhaps you think anybody would be better than this Wall Street Napoleon.
I am that anybody.
A vote for me is a vote for the opposite of boring, do-nothing technocracy. First of all, I believe that money is poison, and that if you vote for any major candidate in any major race, you are voting for this deadly substance. All candidates and elected officials are forced to spend the majority of their time currying favors for cold hard splash cash. Anything they say they will do for the city is untrue, unless there’s money in it. For instance, according to the neat finance watchdog web site Influence Explorer, Anthony Weiner’s largest campaign donors are real estate magnates. That’s how you can tell that he’s not going to do shit for the middle class in New York, for whom rent is the biggest obstacle. Everything he says is instantly rendered cow pie, even without inspecting his actual character. (Also reprehensible, I’ve heard!)
But none of that is news. Politics in New York City have been money-poisoned since the Dutch jerked those natives. Politics are money-poisoned everywhere, but now, more than ever, that witch's brew is not only legal and on the books, but a point of pride. Voters are bought like massive Beanie Baby collections, and that makes them just as worthless. It's gotta change. In New York City and beyond, we need candidates who believe in less than money. I am one of them!
If elected mayor of New York City, I promise to make changes that will be felt by the entire population. In fact, I promise to make anything happen that the residents of New York City demand – just ask for what you want and you will receive. A mayor should aspire to Oz. My promise to accomplishment ratio is bound to be just as high as any other candidate, and they aren’t even using their imaginations! True democracy is what candidates promise for the voters, and nothing more. Here’s are some of my more popular promises:
· I promise to move farmer’s markets from central yuppie zones into the courtyards of our city’s largest housing projects; residents will eat free.
· I promise to institute, in every high school classroom in the city, a mandatory class in both Fleetwood Mac and Public Enemy. Children need to learn history correctly to be able to take charge of tomorrow.
· I promise, that instead of disbanding our disrespectful police force (which would remove thousands of well-paid city jobs), I will change their uniform color to a delicate lilac, and place under their responsibility both community cleanliness and the well-being of animals.
· I promise to fund research and development projects with the focus of repurposing drones into awesome laundry robots.
I am completely serious about all of these proposals. As Norman Mailer said during his infamous mayoral run in 1969, “It’s the other guys that are the joke.” Can you look at any of these promises and honestly say they are worth less than those made by “regular” candidates? Would they not make our communities more lively, beautiful, and egalitarian?
I didn’t come up with these thrilling ideas by consulting “statistics” issued by capitalist lizards or “PowerPoint presentations” prepared by sniveling mini-devils. I’m not a petulant pile of rotting human garbage, strewn about the sidewalk, waiting for the cameras of the Daily News to put me back together so I can kiss a baby. I have lowered my ear to the gum-stained pavement and I have listened and this is what New York City told me. I don’t think it’s a good idea to argue with the city. It’s way bigger than I am.
New York City readers of The Media: I want YOU to tell me what you want to happen, no matter how strange it seems. You can email me (firstname.lastname@example.org), tweet at me @arispool, or use the hashtag #MAYORSPOOL2013. I promise to promise, and to keep promising until you, the voters, are satisfied.
I will make a list of all my campaign promises on my website, arispool.com, so we can all see what New York City REALLY wants from a mayor. Then, if you really believe in promises, follow through with a write-in vote for me on November 5th in your local precinct. Naturally, I’m not taking money from anyone for my campaign (see above). But if you want to help, make a poster and stick it in your window, or you can print out the badge The Media has kindly agreed to run with this article. Tell your friends and family. Don’t Be a Fool: Write-In Spool!