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by Thor Harris

AUSTIN, TX — South by Southwest is cancelled. We just need a little space y'all.

Thanks for understanding . We're just not feeling it this year.

Don't despair. At least now you don't have to drive 16 hours with those annoying fucking babies to some self appointed "live music Capitol of the world" to play a 38 minute set of that derivative wank for some indie rock label boss.

Humiliating. That singer, what a narcissistic prick. For what? Fuck that. Stay home.

Most airlines are allowing folks to switch their flights to Buffalo for a small fee if you show them your wristband and a naked selfie. Maybe a fecal sample. Wristband holders will get a 17% discount at Jake's Hot Wings. Buffalo's favorite Journey cover band will play Thursday thru Saturday at Holiday Inn lounge. Free admission with SXSW wristband.

Also Painted Lady Tattoo will give a 19% discount to badge holders. Go nuts y’all.

Hot Wings, the sauce will flow. Go to Buffalo. Not Austin.

Look goddammit are you people aware of what is potentially about to happen if that billionaire brat is installed in the White (power) House? This is no time to bro down with your chums down in Austin. You complacent fuckers let Bush destroy the world . We all did! We've just picked up the pieces, now this?

Please tell everyone you know in "the industry" South by Southwest is cancelled. It's cancelled . Don't come here. Stay home.

I mean is there even an industry? Don't you people just steal music using that Spudify crap anyway? What do they give artists? .00000000003%? It's cancelled!

Also my friend Andrew saw a mosquito . He thinks it had Zika . Don't come here fuckers. Thank you.

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