SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - It's all about you in 2016, as the year ahead offers its weird, corpsey embrace like the loneliest, richest Sugar Daddy - with Saturn in your sign as the Amex you can use for schoolbooks and dinners and airtight dresses from Forever 21 that people sometimes throw up on depending on the club you're at. But instead of all that luxury boiling down to having to touch crinkled-up, lonely skin with thin watery lips and an old folks' home kind of smell, the universe's gifts don't obligate you to shit. Be free, child, live your life as illustriously as a Natasha Bedingfield song teaches us to do, and enjoy it, because in 2021 when the aliens colonize, that Forever 21 dress will probably help us haggle for a few cans of beans or something (don't worry about your Sugar Daddy, either, he'll be dead by then; in fact we will all, in some way, be dead by then). Happy New Year!
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Finally you can strip away the emotional baggage you've been carrying the last two years, and 2016 will see you standing naked and shiny and hairless as a kitten that was turned into Miley Cyrus and then turned back into a kitten and then turned back into Miley Cyrus and then turned back into a kitten. So a couple things seem "off" but that's only superficially, you'll grow the hair back, maybe you'll cough glitter for a few weeks, I've seen worse. *Gives u a doctor’s note and goes on vacation for three weeks except the vacation is at my luxurious house where I type away on anonymous forums about how Obama is gonna steal my paycheck and I look out onto the driveway, overflowed with cars the color of sugar and glass, pocked with koi ponds, and I hum a little Blake Shelton under my breath and my D goes half-mast in remembrance of fallen American heroes like:*
1. Jalapeño Bacon Mac N Cheese Kid
2. Kim Davis
3. The Dog Who Played Air Bud
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - Um, I was all about your horoscope until I saw how "sexy" and "full of affairs" your year is going to be and my dad is an aquarius and he's all set so how bout you get away from my dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was a dramatic reenactment of the film It Takes Two, starring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, I played both characters, Alyssa (the rich one) and Amanda (the one with no money or parents whose psyche is perplexingly unaffected but ok). No, I'm serious that's the end of your horoscope please leave my father alone and also if you enjoyed this work of theatre and would like to see more creative and inspiring drama in your community please leave a dollar in this jaunty hat.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - Mars's retrograde through late spring will have you Thinking Outside the Bun, but remember: the stars only set the playing field for what could occur, and once that is done they never get involved beyond that, kind of like the opposite of Tom Brady *SWOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH* hahaha you didn't think I cared about sports did u??? What I'm saying is, the stars could be like "Get ready to Think Outside the Bun," and you could take it as allowing you to eat a shit ton of Taco Bell with no end in sight or you could take it as a cute lil piece of advice drawing wordplay from modern copywriting, but you're wrong. It was the first one, you're about to make a bunch of bad investments so three months of Taco Bell it is.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - You love fighting, Aries; even the most erudite of your sign have a little WorldStar demon that hops around in the back of your head going 'grab the hair GRAB HA HAIR AND DRAG HA' even when the lady at Walmart Customer Service is apologizing and clearly doing all she can to override the restock fee of the opened Rob Schneider DVD set you're trying desperately to hock back (having realized the titular Hot Chick is an avatar of Rob Schneider and now you’re not turned on so much). Here's my advice. You wake up on a Saturday morning, a beautiful day, the glimmering sky like hammered quartz with the sun bleeding through it, you get yourself a Cappuccino, extra hot, take a little drive, hey, it's Bed Bath and Beyond, you get yourself a little blue cart and roll her into the air conditioned envelope of homegoodery, letting the automatic doors snap together neatly behind you, you find a pile of decorative pillows, you buy them, you pick up a pack of gum, too, what the hell, you load your pillows into the back seat of your Dodge and put on a little Springsteen, what the hell, you roll on back to your home and you dump those pillows onto your bed, those decorative little pillows with the tapestry faces or the sewn-on-pom-poms or the inlay of tinsel and you PUNCH those pillows like really really really hard over and over again in their dumb little faces, you PUNCH them, forever, and when you are finally supine in an exhausted heap you call Walmart Customer Service and you apologize for your behavior, young lady. As for 2016, you like thrills and surprises the most so how about I tell you nothing and you just go get em, tiger.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - You may have been stuck in the last few years when it came to love. Either you and your honey weren't talking much, maybe just passing out in parallel lines to the carousel lullaby of QVC, or you've been finding yourself thinking about a past amor who was totally babely but totally gone now but also a totally unresolved thaaaang. Taylor Swift is a Taurus. So like . . . see it now? (I assume you are familiar with her discography.) But here's some good news. Between Mars and Uranus, 2016 is going to give you boundless opportunities to find whatever/whoever it is you've been looking for. The only bad news is for all of us: what if someone finally treats TayTay the way a TayTay should be treated? Like the queen of everything, like someone who knows way more about diversity in music than Nicki Minaj does (hahahaha i mean rite lol), and she quits music and gets married and you turn on QVC and THERE SHE IS, IT’S LIKE SHE IS TRAPPED INSIDE THE TELEVISION and you beckon to her, tell me Taylor, tell me how I can find you? And her mouth makes that little underwater-y goldfish pucker, an airless little open-and-shut, and nothing comes out but a bubble that catches the sun and floats away and her eyes tell you nothing either like two pins in a scarecrow's head and she falls away into dust but we all do, eventually, over time, my child.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - This year your ruler, Mercury, will send your life into an over-sugared play-land of one activity after the other like a rich kindergartener's birthday party where little humans chug Pixy-Stix and stampede everywhere and try to smother each other in ball pits and cry until they can ride the pony and cry when they're on the damn pony cause it's too high and cry when they're off the pony because the pony ride ended. Neat lil metaphor for life, right? Wrong. Only for you, Gemini - normal NOT CRAZY people usually take one look at lots of three-foot-tall energy bullets who can count to 100 already (already! for fux sake) and leave them to their intrinsically violent imagination play, but not you, you're like, “let me get in on that pony game my g,” you're head of the line, and when you come a-bouncin off that poor enslaved pony with no parents you run right back to the end of the line to wait your Sisyphean turn. This is why you can't tell Geminis shit, except for where the coffee and the advil are, and everything beyond that is out of our feeble hands.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - You might find yourself arguing with your boss, which shouldn't be different from any other argument other than the fact that our North American work-obsessed system of feudalist ass-kissing and inherently myth-minded patriarchy practically forbids it. So how about some ....... PRANX! *kazoo music plays* Poison your boss's coffee, yeah yeah yeah, spit in your boss's coffee yeah yeah yeah, ooh ooh ooh-ooh yeah how bout you put arsenic in your boss's coffee yeah yeah yeah! *second verse* Cut your manager's breaks ooh yeah yeah yeah, that Toyota don't need no brakes oooh yeah yeah yeah, I love to plot some murder, ooh some crimes n little murders cut the brakes on your boss's car ooh yeah yeah yeah! *end completely hypothetical song*
LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Usually being a Leo is all big hair, gold jewelry and really loud talking (the sound of your own voice in your ears like a finger down the spine of a kitty cat, nothing wrong with that, just own it). But though you hide it well, Leos are also the most charitable and giving signs of them all, and 2016 is all about charity. How ‘bout you give that homely girl on your floor a dress you don't want, or organize/coerce a chorus of orphans into performing Drake covers for old people? Don't you feel inspired? There's so much more to conquer in this sick world, you know, beyond orphans and Drake's personal history of betrayal and the inherent Bridget Jones-like sadness of homely chicks, but I think that was enough for now and I'm personally exhausted so how about you tuck that inspiration away and pull it out next December and hope it's still in style for 2017.
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - For virgo, a sign who is so content with simple treasures like Pinterest tutorials on how to put colored lights inside a mason jar or like how to make a really really good, healthy spinach dip or some shit whatever it is you're into, this year is gonna be a jazzy slap in the ass. With Jupiter in your sign, 2016 is the luckiest for Virgos; let’s just say your Pinterest will get more Pinteresty and your spinach dips more dippy and all throughout the land we shall hear you blasting Ed Sheeran in celebration of You, Our Vanilla King.
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - A March Lunar Eclipse in Libra will #bless your talents and efforts for the whole year, ensuring a time of sociability and romance. It will get even better in May, when Our Lord of Breaking Dance/Not Hearts, Earl of the OG Dick Pic, Chancellor of the Poetic White Guy Beanie, Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III, joins in holy matrimony with Ashlee of the Lesser Simpsons, ushering in a rose-colored era of xD and cuddlez*~rawr and the inexplicable aesthetic of disco-themed xTragedyx. Oh wow I'm sorry my editor is reminding me it's not 2008, boy am I hungover, sometimes I have flashbacks where I'm walking through a mall food court and my raccoon-striped hair is falling out in bow-adorned clumps and one by one my jelly bracelets snap off my wrist with the force of some invisible hand and I feel an energy pushing me to mischief-make in the body jewelry section of a Hot Topic but just as I approach with the thrum of Make Damn Sure ringing in my ears I see the HT is closed, boarded up, and I awake in a fever dream crying and screaming except it's a Fever I Can't Sweat Out and I scream and scream until some post-hardcore ghost douche starts hammering out a bassline beneath it and together we fall into hell but you're okay you'll be alright kids don't end up like me.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - Although 2016 will bring a new depth to your psyche, your goals and your ambitions, I know my Scorpios prefer mystery over explication, so here's your forecast. Crystal ball emoji. Dollar with wings emoji. Ghost emoji. Burrito emoji. Cityscape emoji. Shooting star emoji. The emoji with the two tiny heart emojis offset in a diagonal emoji. Devil emoji smiling. Devil emoji frowning. Volcano emoji. Emoji looking all downcast with a teardrop on its head. Briefcase emoji. Dancing emoji. Bomb emoji. zzZZ emoji. Crying w mirth emoji. Peach emoji that looks like a butt. Actually three of those. Crown emoji. And a leaf emoji, because you could probably hike more. God love ya, see you in the future kid.