LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Like the NRA director sexting Ted Cruz from across the Chili's bar that the GOP Youth Caucus rented out for lunch ("ok" emoji/"gun" emoji/"wink" emoji) someone you find alluring may try to help advance your career this month. Seize the opportunity, Leo! When White Jesus knocks on Megyn Kelly's window with a rose and a bottle of heaven-brew, does she turn up her audiobook of The Non-Union Non-Misandrist Sisterhood of the Independently Mobile Pencil Skirt (read by Ann Coulter) and continue circling items in the Garnet Hill catalogue? No!!!! She hits pause and throws the window open and says Take Me White Jesus and We Shall Save Christmas From the Ugly-Besweatered Hipsters Forever!
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - Jupiter finally bestows his gifts in your sign, staying in Virgo from August 11 through next October. If you were considering taking a big risk, practical Virgo, this is the time to do it! Though I must say Venus is retrograde til September 6, honey, and if the risk is straight-across bangs I really think you should clip it up and wait it out. OMG do u remember when Amanda got straight across bangs and we told her not to til after the cheer camp expo and she did and her bangs poked her in the eye during a double twist and she got confused and landed on Ashlee and Ashlee wavered under Jamie for like four full counts and the music cut and it was like this slow silent devastating domino of bronzed limbs all collapsing into a rat king of cheerleaders and we had to be physically untangled before the next team could go up? That was horrible. But you know what, it totes went viral and I got an interview on "Ellen" who is totally cool for a lesbian so I guess that risk actually turned out ok in the end! See?!?!?!
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - You've been working a lot of odd jobs lately, but things are about to look way up for u, Leebs. No more pumicing the next-door-neighbor's blind Grammy for Taco Bell ("Hi Grammy, it's me ... Pandora ... It's Monday ... Can I pumice you now?" A Doritos locos taco cooling to room temperature on the A/C unit, waiting for you). Nope, the stars think you've done your share in the working-class world, and we wanna give you a big ol career. Somewhere with catered lunch on Fridays, where everyone signs a card for your birthday. Off in a high rise somewhere. The language of machines: whirring, shredding, sighing, scanning. A business email account and expense card. The trimmings and trappings of regular pay, til you retire old and dim-visioned and now the slacker next door is pumicing you, too: the circle of life.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - Saturn finally relents in his slog across your house of fame and honors, having hung out there for far too long like Ted Cruz idling in the driveway of John Boehner's house, watching the barbecue to which he was not invited ("It's a Men's club, Teddy," John said, clapping him on the shoulder with a paternal force that left a greasy orange handprint on Ted's Express for Boys suit jacket. "You'd be bored by all the jabber about tobacco trading" - a tear rearing its ugly head in the corner of Cruz's eye). But finally, like Ted Cruz realizing he'd better go catch Duck Dynasty while the kids are asleep, Saturn has cut his losses and left you alone. After the new moon August 14th, you will be ready to get recognized, so release a sex tape, sell it to Vivid Entertainment, and let these things handle themselves as they so tend to do.
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - You've been grinding nonstop, but just as you feel that end-of-August might be a good time to take a vacation, the stars want you to wait until September. Don't go out of town at all, in fact, as you might miss something big, and we all know fomo is the new fml. How bout you just stop sleeping to be safe. Tape your eyes open. Listen to your cousin's noise mixtapes that are just him screaming in his girlfriend's dad's workshop. And who knows, the universe might bequeath u with a once-in-a-lifetime gift, like, say, inexplicably urging u to run out to Walmart for ice cream in the middle of the night and use the public restroom and suddenly the foot of Marcio Rubio is sliding suggestively beneath your stall and you're getting it on tape and now you're a millionaire. YAS LORDT!
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Expect a lump sum of cash at the end of the month. Doesn't mean one will come, but in this human experience we are sharing, aren't expectations half the battle?
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - You're feeling really giving as of late: your barista recommended Siddhartha after seeing your Om tattoo and now you're all about that liiiiiiiiiife cause he had a manbun too like damn. Just make sure your charity work is for the right reasons, ok, and not for manbuns, which I think we can all agree are the greatest invention since the Bop-It. And yo. You reach Nirvana? U can't Bop-It. Everything is sacrifices, grasshoppa.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - You are expreriencing a transcendental love, the kind we reserve for twee cryporn movies about terminal illness, the kind of love Donald Trump shows the Moloch every year in the Andes Mountains while phalanxes of multi national tycoons and their foreign escorts dance around in hoods drinking blood and taking mescaline and pledging the Satanic value of the American dollar. The kind of love that makes men burn down shit: cities, embassies, the houses of their enemies. The love the Trump feels for decrying Mexico. Masculinity you be so crazy doe!!!!!!
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - What a great month you have ahead! You've been making changes in your life: switching to almond milk, getting a library card, cutting out the drinking, and you're beginning to feel the benefits. The cute vegan at work is like haaaay when she sees u hittin up that carton of silk, and she's like wanna contrib to my video zine? It's about 80s workout tapes, we film it every week in my warehouse and get yayed up and listen to witch house if you're down, and you're like yeah I could be, and then somehow a pit of extreme solitude opens in your chest and you feel your isolation from the great cavernous ploy of existence and you release your almond milk like Ben Carson releasing those twins except you don't brag about it lol wow we get it I took apart some Legos one time and it was really hard I know the struggle wow
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - You've really had a rough go the last few years, feeling restrictions resonating in the home and relationship sectors of your chart. Your health may have suffered, too; Taurus is a sign of comfort and luxury, and like Rand Paul coming just under the height requirement for the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, you don't do well with restrictions (though Ayn Rand, undoubtedly his namesake, would probably argue that his weak stature shouldn't afford him the joy that regular, proportional Americans deserve at Disneyworld, and so you have a bit of an idealogical Catch-22, a book written by a ruffian). No worries, Taurus, the universe is about to catch you up with the rest of the world, so you slap on those two-inch heels and you queue up for them Pirates and go get em, tiger.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - Like the head cheerleader's daddy who has found himself having to lie low in Switzerland for a while just when Senior Week is approaching, you've found yourself writing a lot of big checks (Bacardi 151 for the whole squad is expensive :( don't worry though daddy it's just for the starters, none of the alternates are invited due to the great straight-across bangs fiasco 2015 oh and the whole baseball team mixes their own drink so it will be fine love u miss u stay warm in Sweden or whatever!). Life is about to let up, though, Gem. In a few weeks that casino CEO will be long-missing in the Mojave, just a few hundred head shots at a candlelight vigil, and you can come right back home to Silicon Valley to mildly satisfy your bored wife forever. It's all about family these days.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - Are you in cahoots with Gemini? I'm seeing you need to come up with some money, fast, and the best day to launch some related scheme is August 14. So here's what I'm thinking. Instagram waist trainers. Hocking cutlery at in-home demonstrations where you cut people's pennies in half. Three words: Multi Level Marketing. Measuring people's windows. Running up on shy looking liberals on the street to ask why they don't have time to save the children. Infiltrating cam sites with your fully-clothed singer-songwriter gimmick. You know what I've learned in the last few months? The world is our damn oyster, jk the world is our crushed Twinkie sweating in Chris Christie's back pocket as he sits in Bridgegate traffic, but still we can do anything we want! besides work for fair wages that follow inflation/negotiate reasonable student loan rates/move out of mom and dads/have our rights and lives respected by the police/opt to have our information not sold by our phone and email providers/have confidence that our foreign efforts are merely humanitarian/be supported by our government in protecting the environment/live another day without having to mourn an innocent person/watch new episodes of Lindsay on OWN/sleep well at night you could say I'm doing pretty good.