AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - Your health is good, your crush like-likes you back, and you're not hurting for beer money, but you're feeling glum. Is it your workplace? I'm seeing a lot of turmoil there - the sales department is really impatient about receiving the Wilson numbers (and somehow you have to handle it even though everyone discussed in the CCA meeting that it specifically wasn't under your point-process); you're getting voicemails left and right from upstairs looking for a progress report, no one in Creative seems to have pinned-down their direction for the next campaign and if Holey from Payroll comes over one more time spilling coffee all over your desk to ask if you'd like to share an Uber to the Company mixer (they rented out the Applebee's), you're going to lose your mind). Gray cubicles, gray walls, gray shades on the windows; gray phones, gray monitors, gray. The gray light bleeds through your eyelids. Gray hallway to the gray lavatory. Gray shoes on gray tile stall-by-gray-stall in a gray line tapping to the gray drops of water from the tarnished silver faucet, now gray. Holey passing by your desk, slushing gray coffee, he says, "Graaaaaaaaaaaay," his mouth widens in an infinite hole that swallows his face, his head. The hours meander, your life slips away, gray hair in the gray mirror - yours? PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - You have two themes this month: true love and electrocution. Beware of interacting too heavily with wires, plugs and batteries. How bout you do a lil' tech detox and spend some time with bae. Though if bae is your animatronic girlfriend (Now With REAL FEELINGS!ª), you're gonna want to take a break, no matter how soft and pliable her skin, no matter how good a listener she may be (despite her highly advanced 15,000 word lexicon!), no matter how her hair actually grows on its own without you having to, like, crank a wheel in the back of her skull. How bout you give yourself some alone time, really hunker down and read some Adam Smith and become a better American, and then you and bae can hang out in March. Deal? ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - Expect a rash or hysterical outburst from your lover. I am telling you now so you won't be as surprised - but should you be? Maybe you know exactly what's wrong. Maybe your interplanetary-cyborg-supermodel ex-bf found you on Tinder when he was in the solar system like "hey, wanna get drunk and blow up asteroids or something sometime?", and he's super hot, like 5.6 million terawatts, speed-o-light kinda hot, so it's easier to forget how inhuman he is and how it's kind of creepy that he doesn't need to breathe or blink, but you're really happy with Harold, who is an accountant, and you just got a cat together, but you really miss shooting asteroids? Then y'all totally made out. FOR LIKE A SECOND. But Harold knows now, and you can't really blame him for being weird about it, dude - you know and I know that it's all fun and games until someone misinterprets "progressive monogamy." Am I rite?
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - It's a great time to quit your job. What? I know you're practical, Taurus, but you've hated getting up at 5am to go to the plant and feed wheat into a combine six days a week since you got that job at the ripe ol' age of eleven and a half. I know it's the family business. I know it was your grandaddy's dying wish for you to be a combiner like the long line of combiners before you, stretching all the way back to the first industrial revolution in Britain, but are you happy? Look at yourself. You have a huge store of untapped potential. You could break horses, or start an interpretive yoga business or move to Calabasas and feed macrobiotics to Kris Jenner. The world moves and moves and moves, Taurus, except for you, still at the breast of a combine, gathering wheat and grinding it down and gathering it and grinding it and all the while your brain becoming silent, so very quiet, so very mute.
Well that was sad, who wants ice cream???!!!??!!?! GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - Choose your words carefully, Gemini, as anything you say may come back to haunt you like an old farmer a bunch of teens hit with their car and dumped in the lake comes back to kill everyone at prom. Even your most trusted companions may let some of your acid wit slip to those who shouldn't hear it, like when you said Becky Blumenthal shouldn't be allowed to go to the Panic! At the Disco concert instead of you because it will be mid-May and the humidity will OBVIOUSLY be too much for that frizzy strumpet and then no Tumblr celebrity with a lip ring will even deign to hang out with any of you, probably. Well, I've got a news flash for you, Gemini: you're mean. Becky Blumenthal is going through a lot right now. Her cat just died and her mom said she can't get relaxer in her hair until she turns 16. Do you even understand the hell she is living right now? And all you can think about is P!ATD. You need to do some soul-searching. CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - It's all about fitness for you, you guitar in precise tune, you perfect model of a human. Your butt has improved dramatically, I'll be the first to admit it, and that's great for you, as da booty is a hot commodity in 2015. I have a side question: has humanity always been this enthusiastic about butt stuff? Am i becoming more aware as I mature? Or is this a new phenomenon? Please write back to me with urgency at email@example.com. LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - The end of February will be so romantic for you, everyone you meet will take one look at your dazed and honeyed expression and immediately feel the hot sting of vomit in the back of their throats, which is exactly the reaction true love is supposed to elicit. Well, that's awesome, but it's important to remain grateful for what you have. Don't let things get routine. Wake up every day with appreciation for what you have, Leo. Make a list. I'll go first: Would like to briefly thank 2014 for accepting the man bun. Also would like to thank the diligent soul who engages in the unappreciated task - day in, day out - of uploading every Intervention Canada episode onto Youtube as soon as they are released. This person is an unsung hero. How can you be more like them? VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - You may need to use some alternative healing techniques to retain your good health this month. We all know about Reiki, Yoga, Ayurveda, the stuff your parents used to be into back before you came along and they had to quit pot (not forever -boy, the moment you were out on a sleepover would they ever light up a doobie and a John Denver album!). But what about other, less. . .mainstream techniques. Say you never get sick again. Say you don't gotta tell your doctor about it. Say you bring me the German exchange student's heart in a jewelry box. I mean whatever like that's just an example. LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - Expect weird job opportunities to arise, but that doesn't mean you - always a people pleaser - has to accept any of them. Yes, this is a recession, but do you really want to videotape yourself swallowing goldfish for internet fetish boards? That's not vegan. . . SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - As the great chaos physician Doctor "Phil" McGraw M.D. has demonstrated, many people think it's a good idea to fix their relationships through the begetting of children. I say - there is no problem with that, Scorpio, many of us feel the passing urge to nick a sleeping babe from its nursery and lock it in a tower or other such clandestine dwelling-space for all eternity to save the marriage. I mean, look, it's like you go to work and I go to work and we're both so tired and we just put on Family Feud and argue - was it "Mismatched Body Parts" or "All 53 of the Ravens' Active Roster, Passed Out" that better suited "Things You Never Want To Find In Your Bed?" - but here's the thing, Ryan Gosling, I don't know anymore, who am I, what are we, let's get crazy, let's steal an infant together? But February is not a month for that. Leave such matters for June or July, when maternal Cancer is much more forgiving of baby snatchers, baby ransomers, illegal baby-circus handlers, and the much less interesting and much less humble "regular" pregnant people. SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - This is the only favorable time in 2015 when you should consider getting a haircut. . . aaaaand that's it. Not a bad thing, your life is going great right now and I woke up in my psychic lair covered in Cheeto dust with little orange fingerprints on my orb. So I don't really want to talk to you, it hurts too much, I can't bear it. CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - There's a large sum of money in your future. Most likely you won't have earned it, which is the best type of money to receive. Money you didn't miss the P!ATD concert to collect working graveyard at your uncle's pizzeria, which was like soooooo unfair because you were the first person to love P!ATD in middle school until Becky Blumenthal - that dry-haired witch - made her dad buy Brendan Urie's autograph off of eBay. But never fear - Becky Blumenthal, that Brillo-headed trollop, won't be able to say shit when she sees you with Brendan Urie himself because you bought him with your secret money and now he's your husband and he does whatever you say. Grovel, Becky Blumenthal! Who is queen of Sweet Valley High now, you staticky siren!?.