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A new issue
every other Friday


by Pandora Christ

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - Get ready to travel farther than most around Thanksgiving. First your grandma gets sick. Then your mom who has like not the best relationship w/ her (grandma used to stay out all night with the wolf pack bringing home random canii for all-night howling, leaving your mom to raise herself), makes Gammy a Thanksgiving care package but can't take it over due to unpleasant memories of dog breath and wiry coats shedding all over the living room so she has you do it. You're all, "I am but ten years old, mother, and this society's intrinsic rape culture means I feel unsafe as a pubescent woman if I have to make the trek alone." But mom's already a fifth deep into the vodka again, she's chasing you out of the house saying something about watching Supernatural in peace and you'll be fine walking three days through the uncultivated woodland if you just stay on the damn path. Three days later you show up to Gammy's, covered in thistle scars, dripping blood, your feet aching, and she's already got a beau there, she met him on OkCupid, bigbadwolf696969. This is far too much for a child to deal with, you're all, "I'm OUT," but then you notice bigbadwolf696969 is dressed up as your grandma, and your gammy is dressed up as a wolf, and suddenly you cease to see the world in limits and restrictions but as a spectrum of spectrums where everything is fluid, even your grandmother's femininity, and your eyes are so open, what big eyes you have, and you decide to become a doula with a minor in vaginal shamanism, and you grow up alright knowing norms like your mom can suck it. To think you would have never realized this had the Indians just let the Pilgrims starve, and that truly is a Thxgiving miracle.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - Your dream home may become a reality this month, and no home-o, but it looks great. New moldings, finished basement, custom cabinetry. There's a mirror you can't remove because it is fixed to the wall with marine epoxy and whenever you walk by it you feel the sense you are being watched, but who cares with one of the best interest rates in the market right now??? The answer is: I care. But I don't think any further than that, lol I'm busy.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - Money's tight this month, to which i reply YEAHH KILLAAA MONEY IS TIGHT YOU FEEL *heaves twenty rolls of pennies into the air* *makes it hail.* But let's be serious for a moment. You really need to watch your budget in the social arena, because you might spend a lot more if you keep hanging out with the ppl you're dealing wit. I know that being a member of the most exclusive jousting club in the tri-county area comes with some benefits, like getting to wear britches 24/7, but those aren't your real friends, and britches went out with King George only to resurface slightly in 2003 in the form of capri pants, and you know what, both were horrible. One was a direct desecration to the American Way of Life through its fervent attack on women and the underprivileged, and the other was King George. Don't wear capri pants. Even if your jousting buddies say they're cool. Remember. They are jousters. They joust. And that joust don't work for me *hair flip.*

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - Start on any new fitness or health routine now, in order to build good habits for the coming new year. But you know what? We are but wisps of flame on the wick of existence, and any stray breeze that falls afore us may snuff us out as quickly as we were ignited. Think about that on the treadmill, nerd, i'll be over here smoking a cheeseburger and eating a cigarette. #yolo

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - You don't think you can possibly enjoy anything ever again, what with you working so damn much. But you gotta pony up, kid - aren't you the one who used to stand outside the dorms reading epic poetry about the necessity for our industries to be owned and controlled by the worker? And now your whole life is union meetings at the steel plant. Careful what you wish for - the universe heard you. If you had chosen to, say, read epic poetry about the necessity for our industries to be owned and controlled by a benevolent god who hates work and loves giving people ice cream, maybe you'd be balls deep in the Americone Dream right now. But noooooooooooo.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - If there's one thing to say about you, Virgo, you are a great tablesetter. We got napkin holders we got dessert forks we got centerpieces we got candles we got water pitchers we got tha bread basket we got tha butter dish we got the gravy train we got the weird looking flat knives we got the linen tablecloth but when all is said and done, the table neatly arranged, with whom are you sitting down? Don't get lost in the festivities only to lose sight of what is important. What's important, I can't remember, left my glasses at home, oh there it goes, no I can't see it, oh well.

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - Avoid water at all costs, I would tell you why BUT THERE'S NO TIME!

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - Venus brings you love and money, which are basically interchangeable concepts to me. With money, you buy love. And with love, I dunno what you do. You cry more, probably. Maybe spend your riches on something practical, instead, like a jet ski made of contraband ivory. Look at it this way, honey: are you getting more likes from your #mcm or your #illegalivoryjetski? Cause the answer is #jetski #teamjetski @richkidsofinstagram

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - Your newfound success means you're splurging on holiday gifts, and it's making your friends uncomfortable. Don't give your pal a diamond watch if he spends his days pulling weeds out of old people's gardens for nine bucks an hour, cause chances are he probably decoupaged you something or made you a macaroni frame, looming over his project, pouring his affection into every twist of dried cavatappi. He doesn't need your blood watch, not to be confused with the show BloodWatch, a primetime hit for vampires who like to watch other, hotter vampires' lapels bouncing as they traipse across the foggy moor.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - For some people, the holidays mean food, drinking too much, fraternizing, canoodling, mingling, consuming empty calories, guzzling refined sugar, regifting shit from bath and body works, having to temper a conversation with your crazy uncle who says aliens told him to vote Republican after seeing a vision of Mitt Romney's skin melting off ‘til all that remained within him was some skinny, bug-eyed entity. Lucky you gets to coast through these tempestuous times of forcible cheer with lots of privacy and rest, just 'cause u deserve it. Remember, however, that getting your much-needed alone time and being a grump don't have to be mutually inclusive. And especially don't write your uncle off as crazy yet. In fact, Mitt Romney called for you last night and he said *series of whirrs and clicks* *spectral lights*

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - Always the humanist, you are drawn to charitable projects that positively affect the community. Get involved in a local cause that will make your heart grow bigger with the knowledge you are making a difference. Some ideas include: Every Little Girl Deserves a Pony Fund (what? they do). The Coalition to Safeguard Traditional Marriage (making arranged weddings between distant cousins chic again; tagline: Family First! With a picture of the Roosevelts underneath). And my personal favorite, one near and dear to my heart: Leather the Storm, a non-profit providing straps, chaps and other apparel to unemployed and/or disadvantaged leather-daddies. There are so many great causes, you know, you just gotta find the one for YOU.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20)- You are finally wrapping up a creative project that may have dogged you for almost a year; you feared, as many artists do during their processes, that you'd never finish. And yet - here it is - a 3000 piece jigsaw puzzle of a dog painted by George W. Bush, our greatest president since George H. W. Bush, our greatest modern artist since they taught those gorillas to draw, our greatest beacon of Democracy, a hundred times more powerful than a Navy SEAL putting his flashlight in your face. Where was I? Oh yeah, nice puzzle *under my breath* your mom's a puzzle *under my breath* and it didn't take me a year to solve, either *high fives everyone in the room except you.*

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