GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - My personal Ursula Susan Miller says you might get engaged this month at the full moon of June 13th, so I’ve written a little primer for how you should conduct yourself on Facebook for the next month because everyone loves being told how to handle their most personal and special moments, especially when it comes from a complete stranger who feels she knows better than you. I mean, I do though, no pun intended, I’m actually mad that came out that way:
Engagement photos – Why? Did you really just inundate everyone you knew from high school and that one person you had some blackout conversation with on the OCMD Drunk Bus with HIGHLY forced tableaus of how your love might be rendered by the CW’s promotional team? Holding hands so that your arms make a perfect yonic V as you stand in a field. The head-on-chest look-away by the Liberty Reservoir in Eldersburg where meth heads go to fish. The ballet lift, so unexpected, a great trend for 2014. Here’s a clue, Nancy Drew: when you’re married, good luck getting 25 years in with four ungrateful brats running around asking you for money and see if your long-bald husband wants to ballet-lift you when he’s been wearing his back out at The Shop. This is only trumped by the even more bile-inducing pregnancy photos, where ya'll put your hands on the area of a woman’s body most conflated by her uterus as the sun sets and – as Tyra says – find the light. Everything about this shit says fraud, tack, stilt, boo boo, I’m done with you.
Telling everyone you “said yes to the dress” – Kill me, please, here’s a 38 Special, I love that band and I wanna go out in steez. PLEASSEEEEEEE someone tell me why everything these days is backboned by reality TV and brand names and catchphrases and shit that 12 million nail salons around the country have playing at all times. You know it’s perfectly okay not to rhyme, not to bring a TLC show into anything having to do with YourLove™, to just say hey guys I finally found the obligatory garment that will deceive no one into thinking I’m a virgin so I may be legally paired off to a person in a ceremony invented for vassals to link their manors across kingdom lines, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO CATCH MY BOUQUET IM SO DRUNK ITS LIKE CASINO WEEK AT THE FRAT ROW ALL OOOVER AGAAAIIINNNN~~~~~love u girlies #memories #summerliving
Referring to it as" The Wedding" – No no, honey, just "Your Wedding."
Pretentious invitations – Kimye really wins this one but like, we’re your friends, guys, we were there when you guys met and accidentally took acid and made out for six hours and then lost each other’s numbers and then met again at a 7-11 buying cigarillos and snack food and didn’t realize both of ya'll forgot each other’s names and now you’re getting married. You don’t have to be all Please Grace Us With Your Presence At A Celebration of Our Godly Love and use y’alls full names and spell out shit that don’t nobody spell out, like At Half-Past-Six in The Evening, okay slow ya roll, you're only doing that so it looks good on Instagram like… #caughtya
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) – Do not buy electronics this month, I repeat. You better listen to me cause one moment you’re like, Hey, a Discman! and the next moment it’s turning on at all hours of the night like a Furby and in the depths of staticky radio waves you hear voices, calling you, corpse-voices, the voices of the damned. But not in like a twee Tim Burton way. In a way that is actually threatening to the destiny of your very sole. Cause you’re a shoe.
LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Watch out on June 24th, when people are likely to get mad at you for no damn reason. I suggest you wear a helmet at pretty much every moment. I dunno man, whatever you do that day you might deserve it.
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) – Is your partner jealous of your success? Are you feeling all Kourtney K, like Scott Disick keeps putting anchor babies in you? Maybe you should think about, first, why someone would be jealous of you. You may discover no one is, and you have an inflated sense of self a la Iggy Azalea believing she is The New Classic when in reality she rap like Ja’mie just heard what “black people” “sound like” and wants to try it out. Pass. Want to hit up a good rapper from Australia? Bindi Irwin y’all, she is mad informative.
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) – I’m sad to say June may be a little scary. I can’t tell you why, though; it wouldn’t be scary if I did *walks backward into the black of night til only my eyes gleam, then away* "Spooky, creepy, eerie, leery, slimy, blimey! Ghosts are grimey!" - Azealia Banks
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) – This is a good time to get your finances in order: reevaluate your investment portfolio, add to your 401k plan, fix your bonds and debt securities. These are all phrases I googled. If none of this applies to you, like how it doesn't apply to me, just keep doing drugs until you forget everything and everyone and whittle down to a sketch of yourself. When your family gets worried, win a 90-day vacation wherever Lindsay Lohan is (sponsored by A&E), then befriend her, talking late into the night, braiding her weave, trading cautionary tales and Adderall. I’m sorry – drug addiction is not funny, just fun.
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) – My advice is to go live under a tarp for a month? You saggies are freaks, you’ll love it.
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) – Get yer health in order! If you think something’s wrong with you, it is; if you don’t think something’s wrong, it is; if nothing’s wrong, it is; this is the condition of humanity. Lol.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) – Mercury going backward in your house of true love (the one-two-three-four-FIF!! house) means it may be time to have second thoughts about yr Bae over there. One day you think he’s a human teen in a close-knit clan of teens who attend your high school in Forks, Washington. The next he’s all, “I’m going hunting” without dressing in no camo, coming home empty handed when you’ve had the stove ready, acting like he’s not hungry no mo, then trying to hold your hand but it feels like you’re gripping a countertop or some shit. You need to wake up honey cause all of your friends can see pretty clearly that homeboy’s a vampire and you’re over here in denial leaving away messages up like MY BF IS ANEMIC STOP MAKING FUN OF US!!!!!! Then your anniversary date in a different font which is cute cause your “anniversary” date was a Tuesday three weeks ago like calm down.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) – I don’t know why, but your judgment seems to be off this month, like your conscience is wearing those goggles that simulate drunkenness. I can't find an ounce of concern in my body about this, so let’s just move on to Aries.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) – With Mercury going retrograde in your trine sign of Gemini, make sure you look over all projects and endeavors, checking and double checking, cause I’m seeing some seriously missed details in whatever it is you’re trying to do – like, egregious shit. Let me tell you of a fable, young ram. Twas yesterday morn when I, flitting through my OkCupid® Quickmatch®, began a joyous and most rousing program of givin cuties that 4 star comeup. In my haste, Dear Aries, I nearly awarded 5 stars to one gentleman whose photos were just of sushi, gobs of it, slabs of it, expensive-looking, electric-colored salmon and wasabi and ginger arranged, mouthwatering, ready, like One of Your French Girls™, on pristine white plates. Realizing that nowhere, besides a blurred and cropped photo of some seriously pathetic White Boy Abs™, was a picture of this gentleman’s face, I removed my cursor from the 5 star selection in horror, knowing I was but a tap away from awarding this gentleman the title that only his sushi deserved. And that, ladies, is how you know your Happy Firecracker is but #catfish maki, amiiiiiiriiiiiiiiiteeeee.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) – You’re zen as fvck this month, zen as an Om tattoo on a sorority sister, zen as an Oprah Chai Tea®, zen as a little zen garden in a box that costs $40 at Ikea and makes no sense to have lol do ppl just sit there raking their sand in a little mahogany frame going oooooohhhh and ahhhhh cause that is so lame, seriously, you know the Xbox One came out right? Okay grandpa have fun … with … your … sand …. (he can’t help it he grew up in the Depression playing baseball in abandoned warehouses with branches and rocks and orphans and wearing baggy little britches and dumbass hats as was la mode du jour, it’s so sad, I’m sad for him, he hardly knows who he is any more. Old age is a path we must walk alone).