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by Pandora Christ

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - You're thinking about changing your life, like really changing that sucker, but you don't think it's gonna be possible. What if I told you there was a way? What if I told you, Aries, that you could do it as easily as, say, I could think of names for chillwave hipster bands with triangles on their album covers: examples being: babe marley, cats-22, ---L (pronounced: dashell), ringwald, lysergix, dope leaf, that herb, THOTpolice, growing up bow wow, $$$$ (pronounced: johnny cashflow, for reasons that take a lot of extrapolation in my opinion, but that's what hipsterdom is about: boundless, meandering extrapolation from half-formed pop culture references, and we are thankful for it, in computer-hop we pray, gay marriage, lil risky, lil lil, farrah abramson backdoor teen mom (*** PERSONAL FAVE *** IM CALLING THIS ONE *** DIBS ***), NVRNUD, a Quiz Called Test.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - Remember what we all know about "too much of a good thing." Look how we are all paying the price, never getting to go anywhere without hearing Beyonce's latest in full, we get it, it was FINE, now it has lost all meaning - is she even singing in English? I can verify that album is filled with Illuminati incantations because every time I hear sum1 say "serf boardt" I have the urge to execute the following:

One (1) majestic, parabolic, Olympian swan dive from a twelve-story-high tower that some witch built into a thicket of poisonous thorns that prick out my eyes, forcing me to wander the desert for seven years until some angel comes up n criez in2 my eyeballz. "Serf Boardt." How dare you bring the serfs into this/you knife-licking feudalist bastard/good luck keeping that structure up through the end of the 14th century. #blackdeath #nostradamus #freedaserfs #SERFLORD #SERFLOARDT

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - Life's looking up this month, but be careful that you are not too trusting. You could get a job offer that falls through, or be fooled in some way - just as we were all fooled by BEYONCE the album, in the way that the album BEYONCE is basically not an album. It's basically a collection of notes in different keys, depending on the song, while the writer (Beyonce, writer of BEYONCE) leans heavily on sexual shock value for lyrics. Wow, I woulda loved to see "Partition" critiqued at a Eugene Lang Writer's Workshop, those trust-funded twee-bloggers woulda ate her up faster'n a sidewalk veggie dog over the well-worn pages of Perks of Being a Wallflower under some tree or some shit CAUSHE THATSH THE REAL NEW YORK, DAWLING, LOOK THE FVCK OVER AT THAT FVCKING SHKYLINE AND LAUGH, LAUGH @ THE WORLD.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - As I browse my Dark and Infernal Macbook, guiding Her Sable Cursor through a realistic model of the celestial realms, I see the stars spell for you, Cancer: deceit. Yes, either you are deceived this April or you are the one deceiving - nay - perchance you are both deceiving and being deceived. If this is the case, your life in the coming weeks may resemble some high octane Scorcese thriller where vague white men with admirable physiques join the police force and then change their minds and then change them back - and sometimes, if it's a summer release - change them back AGAIN, except for Leo DiCaprio, who is usually reliable, I know this, we are married.

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Destiny calls. I know her, she cool, she cool, but you don't really have a choice when it'll happen. That's how these things go - it wouldn't be Destiny if you weren't chosen from a mystical Excel database of contact spreadsheets, in an orderly fashion and according to the chronology of your case number. The best advice I can give is to wait, which sucks, maybe read a few issues of Us Weekly to pass the time. I hear Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are getting a divorce, but who cares? Marriage is a sham invented by people who wanted to be sure their manors would be cared for after they die from some terrible vomiting disease or other disgusting ailment that humans used to get before they all decided to start washing them hands. And no one listens to Coldplay anymore unless they are severely limited in their musical scope. This has been a message from Pandora Christ, Sound Bitch.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - As i recline in my Diabolical La-Z-Boy, I become aware of the spirits chanting a message for you. It goes:

If you don't wanna take it slow
And you just wanna take me home
Baby, say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And let me kiss you

Not sure if this is the actual Harry Styles or a minor demon using him as a mouthpiece, I'll get back to you about that in a sec.

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - This month's double eclipses, succeeding last month's new moon, does not a good April forecast for you make. Things not to do this month: look at people, grind your teeth, start sentences beginning with the five W's, buy a house. Are you aware of the danger of acquiring a house? Over 90 percent of domestic skirmishes happen inside houses, whether they be Tudor or Colonial, Rancher or Split-Level. Such is why I live under an albatross.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - Knower of stars and my personal Rock of Love, Susan Miller, states that April will be a month where things keep happening, and then after they happen, more things happen (this is authentic paraphrasing, y'all). What we sometimes fail to recognize about being human, is that to command our lives we must at least make some things happen either by initiating the things, responding to the things, telling someone we know about the things and having them handle it, or simply sitting back and receiving the happening of their things-ness. Lots of people live Their Journeys by expecting the things will just pop up and sprout into more things that directly affect them in a positive way, but if we do not reach up and grab the things we want from an infinite pool of other things, sometimes those things will float away. More importantly, we must not take another person's thing unless they are really horrible and do not deserve it, eg. if they enslave children for some pirate baron, and snatching children is their thing, you should probably take that thing away from them, but only when you've verified that the pirate baron is not actually some deity in disguise who snatches children from unfortunate situations in order to save them but he has a pirate fetish thing so it all kind of works out and everyone's happy. This is why it is important to do your thing, even if there's something in the way, and most importantly, know that it's your thing, do whatchu wanna do, or else you are NO THING.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - The stars are about to send a smoking hot, babeular babe your way, unless you are some celibate religious figure in which case you might get a sick spiritual vision or some shit, or you might dig up some old writing by Mother Theresa that just really gets your sparkles sparklin' wit the force of da lord #daLordt. Don't go all in just yet, cause you know how people be like "hey wanna go out" and they say they are James Franco but it's actually a forty-year-old Wiccan mom from South Carolina? And then you show up and she pretends not to know you and her husbands all "Who's this, Honey? What's all this about?" and she's like "Idk" and y'all are just standing on her lawn, now, looking at each other, the shame so palpable and real? And then you have to drive home to Toledo never trusting in love again? Yeah. F U JAMES FRANCO THAT COULDA BEEN ~US~

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Such action in your chart this month! It's definitely a good time to fly to Dubai, strap yourself into a harness and base jump from the tallest building in the world, raising your middle finger to God, gravity, the sky. Don't worry about flipping off God, that trick has no interest in humanity and doesn't give a fvck about what our infinitesimal hand communications mean, lol, he's doing like a billion other things. That's like if Anna Wintour kneeled in the Conde Nast lobby to clean a speck of soot from the marble, that beyotch do not kneel for nobody, she don't kneel in church, I don't even think her knees bend that way. I'm pretty sure Anne Hathaway sculpts her body into a chair every day and then when eight hours is up she sculpts Ms. Wintour back into standing mode, it's all very exhausting, this is what we must do to feel real..

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - Your focus in April is communication, as your mind will feel so active and sharp, your tongue so trussed up with wit, that random teens will stop and ask you if you know someone with That Addy Script. Nope, your supercharged brain is all naturale, but don't be a dick about it, especially if you hang out with stoners, you might have to slow down and repeat yourself a couple times, and don't listen to the Melvins, that's for next month when you're coming down hard.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - Scryer of the infinite seas and my personal Lorde, Susan Miller, wants you to keep these verses in mind for April: "There was a little girl / Who had a little curl / Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good / She was very good indeed / But when she was bad she was horrid." I don't know what the metaphor is intended to be here. Perhaps you are the little girl, and you need to really have more control over your emotions. Perhaps you are the little curl, and the forehead represents the unending expansion of an uncaring universe. Perhaps she wants to impart the knowledge that slant rhyme is a perfectly acceptable literary device, so if you be writing couplets maybe think about that? Maybe Susan Miller is critiquing the representation of femininity as a bipolar structure, and is trying to guide you, dear reader, toward a more universal investigation of Womanliness. To that I say: Male gaze. Male gaze, male gaze, male gaze. Let's just all chant male gaze until the patriarchy can't take it anymore and is like WOW FINE I'LL JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE THEN. That's how you win, ladies.

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