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Fvckin' Bangerz / by Faye Orlove
and David Goldberg

As of right now, I've seen the Miley Cyrus Bangerz tour twice. I say "as of right now" because it has become my sole purpose in life to see that show on repeat until the day I die. I'm going to sell my kidney in exchange for a last minute Craigslist ticket to the show in Boston and I'll fvcking hitchhike there if I have to. Bangerz was perfection. I was astounded by the artistry, the intersectional feminist overtones, the animations, the costumes, the 90's nostalgia, the sheer passion and love and creativity that was UNDENIABLE from the moment Miley slid down her own animatronic tongue. The second time I saw the show was in Los Angeles with one of my closest friends David. We wept and screamed and smeared glitter across our cheeks and we felt so, so, happy. We assumed it was our responsibility to respond to Miley's tour criticism for her, because she's BUSY AS HELL RIGHT NOW. She also DGAF to such a degree that I personally want to thank her for elevating my confidence to the point where I'm wearing crop tops like, constantly. YOU CAN THANK MILEY FOR MY MID-DRIFT, WORLD. So here we go, we stole headlines, comments, and critiques from internet tubes around the world to defend our patron saint of "doin' yr thang.

[Robin] Thicke's mother, Gloria Loring, told OMG! Insider, "I don't understand what Miley Cyrus is trying to do. I think she's misbegotten in this attempt of hers. And I think it was not beneficial." She added, "I didn't get what her point was. It was so over the top as to almost be a parody of itself."

You nailed it yet again, Gloria. Miley just isn’t enough of a humanitarian to do the beneficial work that your son does for women everywhere. Like a masochist, she subjects herself to the failure of performing her music for millions of adoring fans on a nightly basis. And those nasty lyrics…what was all that about valuing her independence and adoring the one she loves? I feel demeaned just thinking about them. If only you had raised her, Gloria, she’d really know her place. You know, when I saw her belt "Wrecking Ball” in the glow of white light, tears streaming down her face, I thought to myself: “Obscene!” If only our dear Robin could have given her some input, she wouldn’t have blown millions on complex costuming, pyrotechnics, choreography, and stage aviation. She wouldn’t have had to memorize her lyrics, even. Robin has taught all of the women in his videos that nudity and silence are all you need to make it in the music industry. But even if it’s too late for Miley, here’s hoping that your next daughter-in-law will know how to behave.

“Some of the scanty, glittery costumes had parents scratching their heads in confusion.” -The Guardian Liberty Voice

Of course they are confused. This isn’t going to be like that time you and your parents took blankets to see Sheryl Crow and John Mayer at the amphitheater and your dad got offended when Sheryl called the war in Iraq “uncool.” Miley performs for her peeps. Miley fans chase their molly with Hubba Bubba and make out on the Jumbo-tron. They’re the girls who get really aggressive with their nail polish in 11th grade. So yeah, Miley’s not going to borrow outfits from Kelly Clarkson’s Ron Paul Tour of America. Miley’s thongs wear thongs. Her weed is sequined. She skinned Big Bird for his fur. She just wants to give her peers some creative inspiration. But I can see why my parents would find her getups shocking. Their generation grew up with Elton John, Diana Ross, and Cher. They’re not used to all those feathers and sequins. It’s too new for them.

"I wonder how Billy Ray Cyrus is reacting to what Miley is doing." -Youtube comment on video of Miley performing Wrecking Ball

LOL I'm pretty sure he's stoked as hell. Do you know how annoyed my dad is every time I ask him for money? Every time I call him crying because I a zit on my chin has definitely made me unlovable. I bet Billy Ray has never had to answer sixteen frantic texts from Miley asking how to replace a Passport she lost at a drag show or if she can use his AT&T upgrade to replace the iPhone that was just stolen from the AMC bathroom during the remake of Footloose.

Billy Ray is fucking elated. His daughter is richer and more self-assured than any other human being ever. She is set. She can take him to dinner, buy him 30 iPhones, get him a birthday gift that wasn't discounted through Groupon. Billy Ray has raised a confident, headstrong, fucking powerhouse of a human being. Your dad on the other hand raised a lackluster stoner whose favorite Youtube video is the trailer to Bruce Almighty.

Not to mention the hoards of twerking teenagers that have been throwing themselves at Billy Ray for the first time in 25 years. He walked into the Staples Center on Saturday like he owned the place (when in reality he couldn't own that place without Miley co-signing dat bitch). Miley resuscitated his dead career like that time Buffy died and woke up in her own grave, clawed her way out, and everyone was like "really your hair though?" So LOL, ya, Billy is "reacting" just fine but that's so post-feminist of you to be concerned.

Miley Cyrus 'Bangerz' tour creates angry backlash amongst parents

Oh do your parents want a refund? Did Miley's perfect performance force them to re-live their wasted years feeling sexually repressed because they were too ashamed to mention incense, turning the lights on, or I don't know, facing each other. If your parents are upset by a girl dancing with her friends, I can guarantee you they stopped having sex the day you were conceived. And no, Miley will not give you your 80 bucks back, because she knows you will spend it on Roomba replacement batteries and the same pair of Chicos jeggings you've been buying since the day you realized that maybe, just maybe, you wasted your entire life judging people for having more fun than you.

"2014 is a gonna be a whole different year, I'm going to get to work on my acoustic record and gonna get to go on tour and----"
"With clothes on?" - Barbara Walters

Okay Barbara, let's pretend for a second that your interrupting a woman talking about career goals is not a hundred times more vile than someone performing naked. Isn't the story that Eve ate a forbidden apple and decided to put clothes on? So what, did you eat an entire freaking fruit basket? Take a chill pill and try not to walk all over a young girl talking about her ambitions. Trust me, she gets enough criticism from the oppressive and patriarchal media that devours and objectifies her at every waking moment that your demeaning attempts at appropriating morality are definitely not "saving the world." Hey, let's support fellow women. OMG wait who said that, that's fucking ridiculous. Nevermind, I must be drunk. Let's tear women down. Let's fight each other so much, dudes can just sit back and save their breath for ordering sandwiches and unloading. It's funny that all this time my idea of feminism was a complex discussion about supporting females--all of our beautiful differences, our heartfelt attempts at self-expression---when OMG STUPID ME, turns out feminism is so simple. It's about wearing clothes. Thank you Barbara. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO SOCIETY. It's you and your poetically timed interjections that made me love myself.

“What happened to the Miley that I used to look up to?” -Youtube comment on video of Miley performing Wrecking Ball

She’s twenty feet up in the air on a flying hotdog. I’m looking up at her right now.

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