SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - The eclipse on November 3rd in your sign acts like a powerful catalyst, lighting up your chart and sending a bolt of energy through you. This energy can be transformative, and many of you may feel like other people entirely. For instance, maybe you're in a cool, girl-fronted rock band called Pink Slip and your eclectic taste in indie and grunge and noise bands gets the attention of a one very foxy Chad Michael Murray, but your life still kind of sucks cause your mom is remarrying even though she died in Halloween H20. If this is the case, that bolt of lightning is gonna ring through your whole ass body, girl, one day while you're fighting with your mom at a Chinese restaurant. The next morning, which is a Friday, you will both discover that you have switched bodies, which is freaky. I fell asleep after that.
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - Your muse is Enya, which I'm fixin' to bump soon's I get this bubble bath a flowin'. Mom, where are my scented candles? The ones my inner goddess picked out. Bring them up here! Right now!! AND THEY HAD BETTER BE PALEO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Your muse of the month is Katniss Everdeen, because if your life were a book you would be vastly more interesting, complex, and likable than the book itself. See what I did there? Goddamnit I love doing this stuff.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - Your muse this month is Lady Love, Lady Luck’s straight-laced sibling who ratted her out every five seconds for hanging with Nicely-Nicely Johnson and Sky Masterson shooting up the streets with their dice games and loose women (yup, I just pulled out a Guys 'n Dolls reference from the Sudbrook Magnet Middle School 2002 Spring Musical, who gon stop me, huh?). Some of you, however, may find the object of your affection at a distance too far to travel in a day. Since I’m your fairy friggin' godmother apparently, here’s this pony. Take this pony, my son, and ride to your love, and on your way text her something beatific and heartbreaking, like:
girl i will take this pony
and i shall rideth to thou
and thou shalt seeth my visage on the pink horizon
saluting from atop this majestic fucking pony
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - You have so many romantic dates this month, but there are many reasons you must turn them down. First of all, you’re really busy! And second of all, you just need to tell those dates, look guys, I’m a human, and I while I do find your fig-like demeanor incredibly alluring, I must find a love my own size and genome*, do you understand?
*I actually don’t really understand what a genome is.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - Your muse this month is either the GOP or a snake eating its own tail, you pick. Either way ma'am we're gonna need you to hand over that hazardous device *into a speaker: cssssh 10-4 base we have a level five detonator on the premises it is secured over* Alright, kids, the fun's over. Just tell us who sold you that vagina.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - I love how all the online authorities on astrology whom I consult on a regular basis say some screwed up junk like this month’s a great month for unexpected pregnancy and act all happy about it. If life is a gift, yo, wrap that ish up!
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - Your muse of the month is Lena Dunham, because you have influenced many privileged, early 20s college graduates and led some to believe that due specifically to those characteristics only, their world views are like little fluffy meringue snowflakes dancing around on the storm front of life and they should definitely consider themselves interesting and better than everyone until they age and become their parents and wake each day to a less recognizable reflection, scolding their children in voices that don’t come from them, but these disembodied spirits, these specters of Dr. Spock and before, they don’t know how it got to this, when was watching Grey’s Anatomy our favorite thing to do, honey? and he snores in reply and you look up at the dark ceiling and around your bedroom, night washed on all of it, the glare of the television sputtering like an old star.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - Your muse of the month is Muse, which makes you Stephenie Meyer, which makes me need to escort you out of the room now no need to thank me yes it was a nice visit here I’ll just take your elbow, the door’s this way, yes, great company we had a lovely time, and there’s the front porch, yes, don’t hesitate to *slams door*
LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Your muse of the month is Lorde. Look at you serving Adele and The Xx go to a Nair infomercial callback audition realness with a side of The Lion King’s opening number and an elegant What-Did-I-Just-Pull-Off-This-Hairbrush brow to complete the ensemble, yes hunni. Wharque, wharque, wharque, etcetera, but before you HAAAAAAAAAAAAA SA DEN YAAAAAAAr way outta here, there’s one thing you have to know: If you look close enough you will see that “Lorde” is a complicated, Dan Brown-esque cipher for “Gotye,” an antipodal word for “‘indie’ song that will live and die by the hands of an easily bored public.” Good thing the month’s about a quarter done, then. Your mom’s a quarter done heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh woah sorry sometimes the men from Blue Collar Comedy have heart attacks in their meatloaf and die for a second and inhabit my body until they’re defibrillated. Andddddddddddddddddddd clear.
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - Your muse of the month is a suitcase, cause you’re going places. With all these celestial bodies lighting up your travel sector like a tangle of Christmas lights over somebody’s bed in their dorm room, you can expect a month filled with Adventure! Intrigue! Mystery! Grab your whip and your best khakis, cause we’re gonna steal a *~*Haunted Nazi Diamond*~* from a group of rogue Austrian thugs and do a whole bunch of whiskey shots/looking dastardly whilst covered in dirt/disguising ourselves in Leiderhosen during a quirky town parade that is inconveniencing our getaway for no other reason than comedic relief/swinging from vines over deadly ravines/wait that’s not a vine/that’s a snake.
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22)- Your muses this month are magnets. *Dramatic pause while I wait for my readers to chuckle quietly about some Breaking Bad tomfoolery (why can’t you just watch CSI like a regular, bored American?)* That’s cause you’re attractive, baby, did I say that? *Gives a bunch of strangers high fives* *Licks my finger and puts that finger on my shoulder and makes some sort of sound effect suggesting I’m hot/burning/on fire cause it’s 2001 and that’s how we do comedy in the Bush era, can I get a yeehaw?*
*these are literally syllables do I actually have to attribute them to Kanye West?