ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - Romance abounds as Venus enters your House of Love to sprinkle rose petals all over that shit, to which I say: don't worry, I'm barfing too. Btw, what's the difference between massage and olive oil? Seriously. The electrolytes? Or what?
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - You're looking for a fight, either due to frustration or pent up aggression or, if you're a pop singer with a Disney Original Series background from the ages of 17-24, "exhaustion." But don't just go punching anyone you feel like; I mean that in the metaphorical sense too (because I'm smart with doing words nice), which is to say you shouldn't just pick on people cause you're all existentially bothered on the inside, which you've been doing, like friggin' Albert Camus locking himself in a cactus and going around inviting himself to parties. And because, honestly dude, ever since you started hanging with the footballers you've been acting like kind of a dick, you know, and I miss my friend, dude. I'm alone now. So…alone.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - There is a time in every li'l punk's life when that li'l punk gets kinda sleepy from saving the world and just wants to focus on some inner peace/mind expansion/spiritual guidance/voodoo whatever. I know this is true for you, Gemini, cause you're reading these Horoscopes right now thinking it's a bunch of tomfoolery, but some of us are comfortable with our Inner Eyes; mine, in fact, is showing me a day somewhere in the future where u r tripping face on ayahuasca all convinced u found the god particle when it came 2 u as a flying Tigerbeast. That's dumb, li'l punk. God ain't no tiger. God's a man.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - Jupiter enters your sign and stays there for an entire year, doling out gifts and granting wishes to no measure like the peripatetic Daddy of Sugar who swept into your college town on the back of a condominium project and into your apartment complex, where his mail was always getting switched with yours until - finding a pile of your bills beside his morning croissant - he asked rather concernedly one day if you needed to be taken care of, to which you could only weep, whispering your thanks into the pile of empty Chinese food containers strewn on every conceivable living surface, and whose wealth of which you enjoyed the fruits until boundaries got a little weird and your conversations dwindled into civil texts and his lease ended and you got an internship in the next state, never telling your parents or friends from where the gifts came, or how empty-eyed the malls and hotels made you, never letting on about that torturous feeling of luck and woe to which you were always - always! - privy. Take advantage of this.
LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Guess who's in the perfect place to shop for some... drumroll plzz... KITCHEN APPLIANCESSSS! We got Whirlpools, we got Conair, we got Alessi, we got DualitPro, we got Mr. Coffee, we got Igloo, we got Weber, we got Rubbermaid, we got Thermos, we got Proctor Silex, we got Sodastream, we got Panasonic, all thanks to our 'Drop it Low' Low Prices™ til Labor day!
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - Everybody's noticing you like you just rolled up to the high school in a pair of skinny jeans and it's 2005 so barely anyone is really on that tip yet, can I get a what what, can I get a boot cut? Is it your hair? New tattoo? What is it? Oh, right, it's the fact that your career is skyrocketing and you're famous now and ur making bank like all u see is signs, all u see is dollar signs*. Word up.
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - You're a little paranoid lately - not scared, but just confused and weirded out - like all u see is signs, all u see is M. Night Shyamalan's Signs. You're on tenterhooks. Your tummy hurts. You need to take the edge off: which is why there is beer, which works like a gentle little emory board on the crags of your life.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - Scorpios are supposed to get a lot of money this month, but I'm a Scorpio and know that to be false, so, moving on.
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - You are super interested in those around you. It's part of the Sagittarian urge to get involved with stuff and make a difference with stuff and stuff. Just don't gossip, which is a downside of this influence. Nobody likes a Chatty Cathy, not even Chatty Cathy, which is why when she never responds when she talks to herself.
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Everyone's like "What are you doing tonight?" so you text back "whaaaaaaaaarq" because you love RuPaul, but then when they're like "haha cool no seriously what are u doing" you're like "No seriously, I'm working, like an adult, using my college degree as an investment in my full/future potential." I don't know how you did that but congrats.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - Some of you may procreate this month, as in, toss together some of your DNA with another person's DNA in order to make a little wet mammal that will resemble a human the more it grows. I mean if you don't want to go through the whole process, though, I have this extra baby I'm not really using for anything. I bought it for a class but I totally dropped the class anyway, lol, the professor was such a prick.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - Finally, after months of hardship - begging - turmoil - you have finally emerged victorious, like Ash from the Pokemon League out onto the chisel of the Indigo Plateau, whose large and ancient obelisks stretch to the sun and bracket your silence: that humble and victorious silence. You may find a door whose lock you've been doggedly wriggling suddenly clicks open, swinging toward your future. Or you may need more WD40, which is equally possible.
*lyrics by Rihanna