TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - Happy Birthday, I'm not gonna tell you shit, enjoy a worry-free month and I'll get back to you when you're just a regular non-birthday person like the rest of us chumps.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - You now have the desire to befriend a more unusual, unconventional set of friends, but remember that when you're all hanging ten in the station wagon listening to rock and roll music that it is perfectly respectable to decline a rolled marijuana cigarette. Just say, "Thanks but no thanks, I'm enrolling in college," and turn that My Chemmy Ro-Ro album all the way up, sweetie, cause you're going places.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - Sorry, Cancer. Right now you might feel a little weird cause all the planets in your chart are like we go to massage school it's fine let us help and now there are elbows in weird places but you guys aren't that close so it's not like you can really say anything and it's not even your party. That sucks, but in these strange times you'll always have a crew of superbabes for friends who will b there 4 u no matter what okay bb?
LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Right now you're all sulky like leaving ~no1luvsme~ up as your away message. First of all, don't do that cause you'll only be sadder when your mom calls you down to dinner and you go back up to your computer l8r and there are no new messages and it will only make you spiral into an electric wave of existential blackness and you will start listening to Morrissey and, I hope to god it doesn't happen plz reconsider, get that haircut. BUT WAIT! Remember that you gotta love yourself first, Honey Boo Boo. Get a cat, turn on the second Medicine album and bumP it and sing into the mirror like the star you be, get a new t-shirt, practice being positive!!!! people respond well 2 people responding well, ya feel me? Wanna get some Dave Matthews tickets and some weed from the eighth grader down the street and like a tapestry or something?
VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - Virgo is a very practical, detailed and logical sign; she is down to earth almost to a fault, being the most connected with the element of earth than any other sign sharing that element (Taurus and Capricorn). However, you virgins (LOL ur a virgin LOL) are now finding yourselves redefining your version of fun, with Pluto in your 5th house all Extreme Makeover Home Edition on that shit. "Let's make a latch hook rug" now turns to "let's crochet a steel reserve cozy" and "let's study for that test" now becomes "I should buy that leather jacket" and "what's on Sarah Mclachlan Pandora today?" becomes "Sabbbaaaththhhhthhhhhhhhhh." It's awesome you're expanding your boundaries and trying new things, because it's nice to refresh even your modes of relaxation, but be careful you aren't so caught up in the scene of the sky that you tumble off a cliff as you walk, like the tarot card depicting The Fool. AND OMG NEVER RIDE IN CARS WITH BOYS.
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - Anything you write now could be publishable, but I swear to god if the main character has a thing for bondage I am so past done with you.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - If you're feeling down on yourself, remember that good things can come when you least expect it. Life, in fact, is much like the episode of diff'rent strokes when everyone's had a hard year and then out of nowhere Mr. T comes to dinner to shake up their worldview with some offbeat and slightly self-referential comedy.
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - You're feeling especially creative + /bossy/the first one to scream on a track**/ right now, with Mars, Venus and the sun kicking back cracking beers on the front porch of your sixth house, where they'll stay for probz a month til you're like I love you guys and we're friends but srsly? These planets bring energy and action to a creative project you've been working toward for a long time, with the sun giving you the inner strength to like DO that shit. Good for you.
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Planets are now lighting up your sector of health and work. You're all "I'm gonna clock 50 hours a week and eat more vegetables" and your deadbeat friends are playing the Xbox games like "ur laaaaame." Fuck em, do you, but don't be so caught up in "serious" "adulthood" that you can't kick back and blow away some virtual aliens with the people you love like the pre-insanity cyborg Clint Eastwood u really r.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - Jupiter, the planet of luck and expansion, is in your 5th house of fun and games (otherwise known as the "Catan ain't gonna settle itself - love, the universe" house). This is definitely a good time to gamble cause yolo. 401k? More like 401 karats #beyoncerich
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - You're feeling great, openly communicative, loving, relaxed, and right at home. You're at the top of the world, shit's awesome, hey you might even spontaneously find yourself leading a song and dance number through the bright spring afternoon. That's cool and everything but Pluto, the Prince o' Darkness, is all up in your friendship house, so don't befriend any BTK-killer-looking-motherfuckers cause there are good beards and there are bad beards and you're not too great at identifying which beards are downright evil. If said beard is accompanied by bottle glasses and a paunch and the mouth inside the beard is all like "come back to my crib, bro, let's put on some sting and I can show you my 'spice cabinet'" he is like, def, totally gonna put u in a dungeon and that sucks.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - It's like you're hooked to a mental alarm clock and the ringtone is always, "let's go SHOPPPPPAAAAAAAANGGG," and you get all snappy and you call your bitches and roll up to the front of the mall see the benz on dub*. But before you go making haul videos on Youtube because there was a blowout sale at vvvviiickkkiiieee'ssss$$$$ssss~~~~***** be like on a budget and stuff and never put a price tag on friendship and also you probably shouldn't go see The Bling Ring. Unless you're Emma Watson, who is in that movie and also an Aries, and (I'm not making accusations or anything but) definitely stole everything on that set and sold it for coca leaves because #ivyleague.
Happy May, you sex machines.
*lyrics by 50 Cent, In Da Club **lyrics by Kelis, Bossy